The Arkansas trip was good. Except for the Bates Motel that your son made me sleep in. It was called the Relax Inn which is ironic because I couldn't relax. It looked like the hotel out of the horror movie "Vacancy" (http://www.sonypictures.com/homevideo/vacancy/). You know how my sense of smell isn't the best.... well the first thing I noticed when your son opened the door to our room was the smell. It smelled like mildew and dust. Probably because no one had actually slept there since the 1970s, and I'm pretty sure they may have died there b/c the smell was awful. Your son claimed he didn't smell anything, nice how his selective smelling occurs when he's trying to be frugal rather than when he's farting. So, we walk into the room and I realize after seeing the wood paneled tv that the room hasn't been renovated since it was built in 1962. After stepping further into the room I realize it probably hasn't been cleaned since then either. I usually try not to be picky about hotels and suck it up. Not this time, I announced I would be sleeping on the bed but not under the covers. I stepped into the bathroom and notice that the window above the shower looks like it might be open a little and defective because part of it is kind of hanging off. I also take note that it is entirely too small for me to climb out of in case the same killer who brutally murdered the last occupant returns for us. Which I'm certain will happen. I feel around for the light switch to get a better look at the bathroom that hasn't been cleaned since the brutal slaying in the 1970s. My fingers come in contact with some sort of knob which I instinctively turn. I'm surprised when the light and fan both turn on. Surprised that the knob actually made this happen, I look back at the knob and realize that it is actually a timer. Which makes complete sense since the light is so bright it's giving me a much needed tan and it's also so hot that I'm pretty sure it would catch on fire if left on longer than the 15 minute time limit. Hence the smell of smoke. Fully clothed and wrapped in my own blanket, I carefully check under the bed for the decomposed body or bodies of John and/or Jane Doe from the 70s massacre. After not finding anything out of the ordinary (for this hotel) I decide it's safe to sleep with one eye open and behind my husband who slept on the side of the bed closest to the door. Since I had nothing that could be used as a weapon other than my car keys I decided that the attacker would pounce on him first since he is 1.) closer to the door and 2.) larger and stronger. My plan was to jump up and run around the killer and my husband who would be his only victim that night, while holding my car keys which could be used to remove the killer's eye if he tried to grab me. I would run out the front door with our dog following behind me and we would jump in the car and drive back to the highway where i would call 911 and hope they got there in time to save your son. A few bruises, scraps, and cuts would be his lesson on picking shady hotels.
I've copied my husband in on this email so he can defend himself if he feels it's necessary. Or if he would like to explain why he tried to have me murdered.
UPDATE: My husband did not attempt to explain his choice in hotels nor his attempt at having his amazingly wonderful wife snubbed out.
This is the shady suspect practicing eating a turkey leg, anticipating eating my leg after having me slaughtered at the bates motel. Cannibal.
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