After writing back to back posts about my MIL, I think it's only fair that I follow up with a post about my own mother. Lord knows she can be just as absurd, and the Lord would know because they are great friends. I don't have much time so this is just a quickie. Enjoy.
For a few years now, my mother has been dealing with various female health related issues, mostly bladder related. She went to several different doctors who all told her she had this condition or that disease. Each doctor she visited had a different theory. They put her on diets and new medications, they performed surgery after surgery and nothing seemed to be working. She was in a lot of pain for quite a long time.
A few months ago, I was leaving Starbucks, delicious hot coffee in hand. My phone rings and it was my mother, so I answered. We talk for a few minutes about her latest trip to a new doctor, while I sip my coffee in the car. She said this time they have really figured out what is wrong with me! I've heard that from her as many times as she has heard that from her numerous doctors. The new doctor thinks her problems stem from her bladder dropping while pregnant with me. Of course, everything is my fault. Without warning (remember I'm sipping a hot beverage), Mother begins to tell me that the new doctor has referred her to a physical therapist who has a magic touch. My mom said that the physical therapist can heal her by massaging her bladder and pelvis internally. Internally!
Just a quickie! And next time on to catch a Predator...... Doctors who touch their patients.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Now I Get It
I've been putting off writing this for a while now. Mostly because I didn't want to follow up Chrisuckmas with another hater blog about the MIL (mother-in-law for those of you not down with internet slang). Let me just say that I do not hate my MIL, I just find it difficult to get along with her sometimes. For years, I feel like, I have tried to be friends and it just hasn't always worked. I don't think it's anyone's fault, I just don't think we are meant to be BFF's. As I mentioned in Chrisuckmas, my MIL has not always been my biggest fan. My husband insists that she likes me now but I'm just not so sure. I feel like she just tolerates me because she knows I'm going to be around for the rest of her life and there's nothing she can do about it.
My in-laws have been living with us for 7 months. 7 MONTHS!!!!!! You might be thinking that 7 months is not really that long but let me remind you that 7 months is over half a year! Oh, and not only have they been living with us but their 2 dogs have been living with us as well. So, that's 4 people 5 dogs and a teething 6 month old baby in one 4 bedroom house. You are probably asking yourself the same question I have been asking myself for 7 months....
As I mentioned, there are 2 dog-in-laws living with us at the moment. One of the dogs, let's call her Fatso, is obsessed with food. OBSESSED! The only time Fatso runs is when there is food on the floor. Then you better watch out because she will knock you over getting to that food and if you're not careful she will turn around and try to eat you next. I'm afraid to put the baby on the floor for tummy time because I don't want Fatso to mistake her for a dog cookie. My MIL actually makes homemade dog food for her 2 dogs. She also has to feed them pumpkin. Why the pumpkin? Because Fatso will eat anything. Including dog shit. So, my MIL has to feed all the dogs pumpkin so that Fatso doesn't go outside and indulge in a poop smorgasbord. Pumpkin apparently makes poop taste so bad that not even Fatso will eat it. Now that Fatso knows she can't eat the poop in the yard, she refuses to go outside. What's the point if you can't eat shit? Well how and where does Fatso poop, you ask? She simply holds it in until she literally explodes. On more than one occasion Fatso has simultaneously shit all over my house while throwing up more shit. Yes. Shit came out both ends at the same time! Shit came out of the dogs mouth! The dog had so much shit inside her that it just exploded out of her. I'm surprised it wasn't coming out of her ears.
I think my MIL has always wondered why her son married me and not a girl I like to refer to as ass to mouth girl. Ass to mouth girl is a girl that my husband dated for a year while he and I were on a break. A2M girl was terrified of getting pregnant so she refused to let my husband have normal intercourse with her. Instead, she preferred rear entry. One day, A2M girl was feeling extra generous and decided to give my husband a little oral pleasure after participating in some rear entry lovin. Yes, the girl my MIL probably wishes her son had married, removed his penis from her rump and immediately licked her poop off of it. You can't spell classy without ass.
I think I finally get it, the reason my MIL doesn't like me is because I don't eat shit.
My in-laws have been living with us for 7 months. 7 MONTHS!!!!!! You might be thinking that 7 months is not really that long but let me remind you that 7 months is over half a year! Oh, and not only have they been living with us but their 2 dogs have been living with us as well. So, that's 4 people 5 dogs and a teething 6 month old baby in one 4 bedroom house. You are probably asking yourself the same question I have been asking myself for 7 months....
As I mentioned, there are 2 dog-in-laws living with us at the moment. One of the dogs, let's call her Fatso, is obsessed with food. OBSESSED! The only time Fatso runs is when there is food on the floor. Then you better watch out because she will knock you over getting to that food and if you're not careful she will turn around and try to eat you next. I'm afraid to put the baby on the floor for tummy time because I don't want Fatso to mistake her for a dog cookie. My MIL actually makes homemade dog food for her 2 dogs. She also has to feed them pumpkin. Why the pumpkin? Because Fatso will eat anything. Including dog shit. So, my MIL has to feed all the dogs pumpkin so that Fatso doesn't go outside and indulge in a poop smorgasbord. Pumpkin apparently makes poop taste so bad that not even Fatso will eat it. Now that Fatso knows she can't eat the poop in the yard, she refuses to go outside. What's the point if you can't eat shit? Well how and where does Fatso poop, you ask? She simply holds it in until she literally explodes. On more than one occasion Fatso has simultaneously shit all over my house while throwing up more shit. Yes. Shit came out both ends at the same time! Shit came out of the dogs mouth! The dog had so much shit inside her that it just exploded out of her. I'm surprised it wasn't coming out of her ears.
I think my MIL has always wondered why her son married me and not a girl I like to refer to as ass to mouth girl. Ass to mouth girl is a girl that my husband dated for a year while he and I were on a break. A2M girl was terrified of getting pregnant so she refused to let my husband have normal intercourse with her. Instead, she preferred rear entry. One day, A2M girl was feeling extra generous and decided to give my husband a little oral pleasure after participating in some rear entry lovin. Yes, the girl my MIL probably wishes her son had married, removed his penis from her rump and immediately licked her poop off of it. You can't spell classy without ass.
I think I finally get it, the reason my MIL doesn't like me is because I don't eat shit.
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